So, I'm finally doing it. After years of prodding from my husband and biggest fan, I'm sitting down to share with you all the things that he is forced to listen to each night. Yes, we have "talk time," that incredible time that a wife looks forward to all day, especially a stay-at-home-mom of three little monkeys under 3 years old. Life is sheer insanity at this point, and "talk time" bails me out of the psych ward and reconnects me to reality. If you are a parent in any form, I am sure you get it.
During these talk times, there is a pesky theme that emerges each and every time. My desire to touch the world and my longing to feel God's presence. Then you put the two together, and you have what I think Jesus has called me (and you, by the way) to do: To touch the world with his presence.
This is a horrible time to start a blog. Currently, I am in my sweats listening to my 4-month-old baby "cry it out." In between obsessing about which sleep method I should follow, I am trying to string a sentence together. But that's the point here. I want it to be messy for once. I am coming to you as a recovering perfectionist. I was that girl in high school who got all the awesome grades and was in every activity. In seminary, I personally challenged myself to fail a class, and I still got a B+. When I was 8 months pregnant, I decided my living room needed an accent wall and painted it in 35 minutes while my other two toddlers napped. I do everything with panache! I don't know how to do life except in my own crazy, zany way. It makes absolutely no sense that I'd start writing now, so naturally I've decided that it is the perfect (no pun intended) time.
You might wonder about me. Let's see if I can sum up both my dysfunction and my salvation story before naptime is over. I was lost. Really lost. However, like a lot of lost people, I didn't look lost. I grew up in what seemed like a normal family, and had a happy childhood. It all fell apart because of choices people made, and I survived. I tend to take responsibility for everything because some wounded people always wanted me to meet their needs. I try to look upon them with compassion today. Then.... Jesus came. Now, at first he was this lovely, mild Jesus that was "out there," and then he became personal and scary. Scary because he told me the Truth and showed me there was more. He even became my Savior. It was an awesome thing to have his strong arm pull me out of the garbage I was drowning in. There was drinking, an eating disorder, and decades of working through emotional abuse from my upbringing. Then there were all those relationships with emotionally unavailable men. Though I wasn't physically promiscuous, I pimped my heart out to any man that would have me. The point is, I was in bad shape. But I looked good. Good because I became a master of appearing put together because that was my job growing up.
Today as a mother of three, I can confidently tell you that if you're looking for a way to stop looking good and get authentic and real with your life and Jesus, have kids. There is something about the experience of motherhood that draws us to our knees in desperation. What I've discovered is that the wonderful thing about kids is how they simply don't have room for fake.
The Good News that the Bible talks about happened to me. Jesus went from a distant relative to an intimate friend. He went from a pristine, pretty bunny on the shelf to a ratty, shabby, worn-out, and most of all, well-loved bunny. The point is, I love him. I can't get enough of this guy. And to make matters worse, I hardly know where to begin. I am astonished to say to God, "Please help me to love you more." We are so pathetic in our humanness that we even need his help to love him. There is something beautiful about that.
You could say that this is when I discovered the Velveteen Jesus.
At first, He's the soft, cozy Jesus that we curl up with at night. He's really polite because he never challenges us or forces us to the next step or reveals anything difficult. In fact, he is perfect because he fits right into the box I have made for him! This Velveteen Jesus comes in handy for those times when I want something, but am not willing to invest time and heart to get it. He sure looks pretty and very clean. It is also quite popular to reference him, his beauty and his wonderful qualities using big words and grand gestures. He looks so good this way! Distant, but good. Fits really well with the part of me I'm most willing to show the world. In short, this Jesus is not Real.
However, something dangerous happens when we decide that this stuffed Jesus is not going to cut it. I, for one, am ready for something more. I am tired of waiting for the "right time" to experience him radically. I am happy to report that my current encounters with Jesus are raw, disruptive, honest, messy, healing, scary, loving, and surprising. His way of dealing with me is so refreshing and well, Real. I have learned to see his heart, his motives, his intentions, and I absolutely looooooove how he turns things around in my heart and reveals Truth in seconds. I have learned to share his sadness at the direction of humanity and the disinterest of most at what interests him. My love for him is deep and wide, but I have this little hunch that I have only reached the tip of the iceberg in my relationship with him.
You'll find in talking with me that I often share an image or picture that Jesus gives me. This is his way of reaching me. One of those visual types. Try it yourself. Close your eyes sometime and ask him to show you where you start. It's kind of fun. Like a "Where's Waldo?" game except it's Jesus. Let's play the game together in our lives. I am passionate about you finding him today in the midst of sippy cups and laundry. Just today I found him while carrying my 3-year-old as a koala bear and my 2-year-old chasing after us trying to bite her toes. Where did Jesus show up in your life today?
Oh! And you're probably wondering what sort of beliefs I subscribe to. Good question. Important to know who you're talking to. It's pretty basic. I love Jesus. I believe he is the one, true God. He loves everyone no matter what, and to show that he gave up all of his rights to everything. Like being safe, honored, or even to eat whatever he wanted. He went from creating the world to being subject to its cruel ways, just because he is crazy about us. Now that's amazing. And much more than any stuffed bunny could do.
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