Our Velveteen Selves

I just love this photo. Maybe because the colors are godawful, and the pants are so tight, and the sequins -- egads -- but he is sooo... confident. I love it because he is totally working this outfit, and the sunglasses and wristbands tell me he has put thought into this. I think I love it so much because it says, "I love who I am right now." I love it because, ironically, in the midst of such a dizzying pattern and badass pose, I feel like he's being authentic. It's likely that his mother chose this for him, poor thing, but clearly, he is on board with the choice.

I want to be this kind of Mama. (No, not the kind who dresses her children like this).

The kind of Mama who instead of being confident in triangled, color-blocked ugliness and neon green sequins, am confident in what I feel, think and desire from life, motherhood and God. I have had a revelation recently: In not being Real, we cheat ourselves and the world of loving Jesus.

It turns out that we're all a little bit like the Velveteen Rabbit, in quite a different way than Jesus. The irony is that in becoming Real ourselves -- by acknowledging the shabbiness of our own hearts --is precisely how we invite the Realness of Jesus into our lives. In admitting that my current life is not what I necessarily imagined it to be, or that I totally lost it with my kids today, or that I sometimes struggle with depression, or that I sometimes need a break from my family, or that I just can't say, "Oh, yes, we are so blessed" one more time without using a sticker to plaster the smile on my face, I find Jesus. We strive, strive, strive to present ourselves a certain way, to portray a heart that is deeply in love with the Lord, and to be fulfilled doing it. This is not to say all of our lives are awful and that we only have negative experiences. However, I have yet to find many Mamas who are willing to admit these things when they are a reality. There's this weird taboo in Christian culture about being Real, like there's something wrong with us if we aren't enjoying every single minute of motherhood. Sort of ironic given the fact that we've all accepted Amazing Grace. We are lost, and now found. We are empty, and he fills us! The very premise of Christianity is lost -- the fact that Jesus came to RESCUE our hearts in need -- in our concern over ourselves and our image. In short, it becomes all about us.

For many of us, how we view ourselves and portray our lives is an empty knockoff of the Real thing, like the "Coach" purse hanging in the back of my closet. C'mon Mamas, let's be honest. Picture a recent conversation you had with a friend. Think about all the words we dropped into that conversation to give that friend the indication of what we believe, think or feel. We calculate our words, without realizing it, because we are afraid to show the world the disparaging parts of our hearts. We are afraid to show the world these parts because we haven't shown them to Jesus yet. We haven't shown them to Jesus yet because we haven't invested the time. We haven't invested the time because we are living the craziness and wonderful-ness of raising a family, and we somehow think that Jesus is in a separate category, only to be experienced at 5am, during "quiet time," or randomly here and there. We become ashamed of not having "quiet time" with him, so we hide from him. And then we start the cycle all over again. The problem here is that we have boxed ourselves in, with quite a bit of help from the enemy of our souls. In keeping us on the treadmill of shame, guilt, and condemnation, he robs us of the very purpose of our lives.

I want to wake up in the morning and shout from the mountaintops, "He loves me! You wouldn't believe how dark and hopeless it was, but he is Real!!" I want for everyone to know how he rescued me from woundedness in relationships, eating, trusting others, and parenting my children. And those are only the first few. There are hundreds of ways he has re-tooled my heart -- slowly and patiently peeling my onion, piece by piece. I sometimes get very tired of this particular onion and long for some variety. However, I have accepted this onion and though it makes me cry and get very stinky fingers from handling it, I want him more than I hate those things. I want to be different...recognized by his stamp upon my heart.

Yes, I am talking to you, Shabby {Chic} Mamas. Most of all, I am speaking to myself. I am a Christian. I am not talking about unbelievers or even nominal Christians. I am talking to you and me: the women who have known Christ for decades but still somehow struggle to experience him in a life-changing way each day. I have spent a majority of my life learning about him and knowing him more deeply, but I still feel a void. I don't want it to be sporadic or occasional. I want him everyday. Intimately. While I cook, during storytime, in the midst of discipline, errands, and dance class.

There is a way, and there is more. That is what we are all doing gathering here together each day. Maybe if I continue to use lots of italics, we will all become convinced of it. Sorry about that, I just love emphasizing the things that I'm really passionate about. :) I certainly do know that it's much easier to wrap myself up nicely with a pretty pink, satin bow and pretend that nothing going on in the Nursery is bothering me. Well, my sweet bunnies, it is time to get dirty. The Nursery is going haywire, and we are the only bunnies that know Who can help us.

When we begin admitting what's really going on in our hearts, there's room for Jesus. When we make room for him, he spills his grace lavishly upon us. We are forever changed, and it spills over into our exchanges with other Mamas at Target, the park, and the little sweeties in our own homes. You see, you just can't give away what you don't have. I don't know about you, Mamas, but I am deeply invested in giving away Jesus.

Let's invite him. To reveal. To pull back the curtain of our hearts. Let's take this scary step together because your heart is worth it. The world is worth it. He is worth it.

The Lioness

Good afternoon, Shabby Mamas. 

Well, it's been almost a week of posts to the theme of getting Real and finding Jesus.  Personally, I have been loving every minute of talking to you.   It's a very cheap form of therapy, really.  My interest is piqued as to what Jesus is up to here.  It is certainly delightful to wake up each morning and to carry on a dialogue with him in my mind all day about what I might share with you that particular day.  Well, today's musings with him had an interesting theme.  It's a good thing I love him so much. 

So far, there have been a few responses from some Shabby Mamas I know, but otherwise... crickets.  So, this could mean one of two things: 1) I forgot to turn on the proper comment settings to allow you to interact with me (It's true!), or 2) You have determined I am crazy and are running for the hills.  Before I get insecure about it, I decided to ask Jesus.  The idea that came to me was that I just haven't gotten Real enough with you, to make it safe for you to be Real with me.  To fix that problem, I have decided to post the worst junior-high photo I have of myself, complete with braces, and a perm I have entitled, "The Lioness". 

Does that help?  :) 

Talk to you later, Mamas. 

Holy Matrimony!

“Therefore, I will now allure her, lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.  I will give her back her vineyards, and I will replace her valley of troubles with a doorway of hope.  She will sing songs from her youth and will no longer call Me her master, but her Husband.”

-Hosea 2:14

When I met him, I was compelled to him.  Day and night I thought of him, and extended goodbyes immediately brought anticipation of the next time I would be with him.  You see, there was something about being in his presence.  It was thrilling, inspiring, and completed me somehow.  The experience of this relationship was beyond anything I had ever had before and made other boyfriends pale in comparison.  Had I known he was out there, I would not have wasted all that time and energy seeking, worrying, and belaboring what was doomed to fail.  Unbelievably, I was moved to love beyond selfish love.  Suddenly, this man was my true, first priority.  His happiness and fulfillment surpassed my own.  His birthday became my favorite holiday.  I realized that supporting his life and purpose was one of my eternal callings. 

And then, we hit reality: the hard place of wounded hearts colliding, opposing each other with competing traumas from the past.  It was bound to happen.  Previously, this was the time to bail.  It gets too hard, and I assume it is not meant to be.  However, something very different happened – we found ourselves aware of a single truth:  We did not want to be without each other. 

This man was worth it.  The heartache, the tears, the hundreds of tough conversations, and the fear of losing the incredible connection I had tasted for such a short time – every single heart-wrenching moment was worth it for this man.  You see, I had experienced him.  His tenderness, compassion, and incredible, selfless love for me.  He accepted me fully.  I felt no shame or desire to hide from him, but rather, it felt completely safe to be vulnerable in front of him.  No one else had seen me, really seen me.  My heart had been locked away and hidden from human view.  Spending time with this man transformed me by showing me there was beauty within.  Just being with him brought a peace and made it clear that my heart had found its home.  This man is now my husband.  What I want for me and all of us is to have this kind of compelling connection with our true Husband.

***

The above is an excerpt from a book-in-progress, perhaps that will be released about 18-20 years from now.  Who knows?!

The photo was taken on my wedding day.  Oh, the delight!  Oh, the excitement!  I could not contain myself.  I actually jumped up and down throughout the entire ceremony.  I am not kidding!  Many of you were there, and you can vouch for me.  The best part was I was actually being truly authentic and not manufacturing the exuberance!  (Insert Kim Kardashian sarcastic remark.  Ok, delete.  We love her, in Jesus' Name).  My soon-to-be husband and I had truly fought the battle of our lives and hearts to be together.  It was the most incredible moment to experience the harvest of our years of investment through our wedding day.  The truth is, we were married long before it existed on paper.  The Lord had whispered that to me much earlier in my life.... that I'd "be a wife long before I was married."  And now I knew what that meant.  And thank goodness, because we needed that level of devotion as we dusted out the wounded corners of our hearts to create room for each other.  Jesus was there that day in fullness and celebration.  It was the most powerful experience I have ever had of God's "husbandry" of me.  He lovingly protected me after the years and years of YUCK and placed me right in the care of not the perfect man, but the man perfect for me. 

Today, the theme on my heart is this.  Why doesn't my face look this exuberant when I talk of Jesus?  When I anticipate our time together, does my heart skip a beat and my tummy turn over in excitement?  Well, Shabby Mamas, I am here to say that is something I want. In fact, that is what makes the whole darn Nursery come alive and become Real.

Now before we all get ashamed and hide in the corner, let's take it a different direction.  Let's ASK for it from the One who wants it too.  Getting to this place in our relationship with Jesus is exactly what this blog is all about.  Let's do it together, with his help.  Let's ask him together because he's the source of everything.  This is the moment he has been waiting for. 

Jesus, I want to feel with you like I did on the first date with my husband.  I want to get all flushed when I talk about You.  I want to know every line on your face and be able to trace the scars on your hands, as if they are my own.  I have to be honest, Jesus, I have no idea where to start or how to have this with You.  I just know I want it and am asking You to help me.  Thank you, Jesus, for being my Husband.  Fill me with your love, and show me the way to your heart.  Amen.

Until tomorrow, Mamas.  I can hardly wait to see what's next.  

Metaphors, Schmetaphors

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive.

But the Skin Horse only smiled.

I really do promise not to beat this Velveteen Rabbit metaphor to death, BUT... please do allow me to expand in just one post what I'm really talking about here.  Let's try reading this again, but being a bit more direct about what we're doing here as the Shabby {Chic} Mamas. 

"What is REAL?" asked a Shabby Mama one day.... "Does it mean never losing my temper and talking about my life using only upbeat words like fulfilling, rewarding, perfect, and cherishing every moment?" 

"Real isn't pretending everything on the inside is perfect and whole," said Jesus.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When you allow Me to love you, truly love you, for a long, long time, not just for yourself and your needs, but even to love Me back, then you become Real." 

"Is it scary?" asked the Shabby Mama. 

"Always," said Jesus, in a way that somehow made all her fear dissipate.  "When you are Real, I will tread upon areas of your heart that need Me, and that is scary and new.  But I am always right there with you." 

"I suppose You are Real?" said the Shabby Mama.  And then she wished she had not said it, for she thought He might think she was silly, or didn't know Him at all.  But Jesus only smiled and said, "I'm about as Real as it gets." 

Well Hello There

So, I'm finally doing it.  After years of prodding from my husband and biggest fan, I'm sitting down to share with you all the things that he is forced to listen to each night.  Yes, we have "talk time," that incredible time that a wife looks forward to all day, especially a stay-at-home-mom of three little monkeys under 3 years old.  Life is sheer insanity at this point, and "talk time" bails me out of the psych ward and reconnects me to reality.  If you are a parent in any form, I am sure you get it.

During these talk times, there is a pesky theme that emerges each and every time.  My desire to touch the world and my longing to feel God's presence.  Then you put the two together, and you have what I think Jesus has called me (and you, by the way) to do:  To touch the world with his presence. 

This is a horrible time to start a blog.  Currently, I am in my sweats listening to my 4-month-old baby "cry it out."  In between obsessing about which sleep method I should follow, I am trying to string a sentence together.  But that's the point here.  I want it to be messy for once. I am coming to you as a recovering perfectionist.  I was that girl in high school who got all the awesome grades and was in every activity.  In seminary, I personally challenged myself to fail a class, and I still got a B+.  When I was 8 months pregnant, I decided my living room needed an accent wall and painted it in 35 minutes while my other two toddlers napped.  I do everything with panache!  I don't know how to do life except in my own crazy, zany way.  It makes absolutely no sense that I'd start writing now, so naturally I've decided that it is the perfect (no pun intended) time. 

You might wonder about me.  Let's see if I can sum up both my dysfunction and my salvation story before naptime is over.  I was lost.  Really lost.  However, like a lot of lost people, I didn't look lost.  I grew up in what seemed like a normal family, and had a happy childhood.  It all fell apart because of choices people made, and I survived.  I tend to take responsibility for everything because some wounded people always wanted me to meet their needs.  I try to look upon them with compassion today.  Then.... Jesus came.  Now, at first he was this lovely, mild Jesus that was "out there," and then he became personal and scary.  Scary because he told me the Truth and showed me there was more.  He even became my Savior.  It was an awesome thing to have his strong arm pull me out of the garbage I was drowning in.  There was drinking, an eating disorder, and decades of working through emotional abuse from my upbringing.  Then there were all those relationships with emotionally unavailable men.  Though I wasn't physically promiscuous, I pimped my heart out to any man that would have me.  The point is, I was in bad shape.  But I looked good.  Good because I became a master of appearing put together because that was my job growing up. 

Today as a mother of three, I can confidently tell you that if you're looking for a way to stop looking good and get authentic and real with your life and Jesus, have kids. There is something about the experience of motherhood that draws us to our knees in desperation. What I've discovered is that the wonderful thing about kids is how they simply don't have room for fake. 

The Good News that the Bible talks about happened to me.  Jesus went from a distant relative to an intimate friend.  He went from a pristine, pretty bunny on the shelf to a ratty, shabby, worn-out, and most of all, well-loved bunny.  The point is, I love him.  I can't get enough of this guy.  And to make matters worse, I hardly know where to begin.  I am astonished to say to God, "Please help me to love you more."  We are so pathetic in our humanness that we even need his help to love him.  There is something beautiful about that. 

You could say that this is when I discovered the Velveteen Jesus. 

At first, He's the soft, cozy Jesus that we curl up with at night.  He's really polite because he never challenges us or forces us to the next step or reveals anything difficult.  In fact, he is perfect because he fits right into the box I have made for him!  This Velveteen Jesus comes in handy for those times when I want something, but am not willing to invest time and heart to get it.  He sure looks pretty and very clean.  It is also quite popular to reference him, his beauty and his wonderful qualities using big words and grand gestures.  He looks so good this way!  Distant, but good.  Fits really well with the part of me I'm most willing to show the world.  In short, this Jesus is not Real.

However, something dangerous happens when we decide that this stuffed Jesus is not going to cut it.  I, for one, am ready for something more.  I am tired of waiting for the "right time" to experience him radically.  I am happy to report that my current encounters with Jesus are raw, disruptive, honest, messy, healing, scary, loving, and surprising.  His way of dealing with me is so refreshing and well, Real.  I have learned to see his heart, his motives, his intentions, and I absolutely looooooove how he turns things around in my heart and reveals Truth in seconds.  I have learned to share his sadness at the direction of humanity and the disinterest of most at what interests him.  My love for him is deep and wide, but I have this little hunch that I have only reached the tip of the iceberg in my relationship with him.

You'll find in talking with me that I often share an image or picture that Jesus gives me.  This is his way of reaching me.  One of those visual types.  Try it yourself.  Close your eyes sometime and ask him to show you where you start.  It's kind of fun.  Like a "Where's Waldo?" game except it's Jesus.  Let's play the game together in our lives.  I am passionate about you finding him today in the midst of sippy cups and laundry.  Just today I found him while carrying my 3-year-old as a koala bear and my 2-year-old chasing after us trying to bite her toes.  Where did Jesus show up in your life today? 

Oh!  And you're probably wondering what sort of beliefs I subscribe to.  Good question.  Important to know who you're talking to.  It's pretty basic.  I love Jesus.  I believe he is the one, true God.  He loves everyone no matter what, and to show that he gave up all of his rights to everything.  Like being safe, honored, or even to eat whatever he wanted.  He went from creating the world to being subject to its cruel ways, just because he is crazy about us.  Now that's amazing. And much more than any stuffed bunny could do.