The First Time

Today I want to share with you the first, real "bath" I experienced with Jesus.  I have much more to say about Shabby Mama spiritual hygiene, but this seems like a good place to start.  :)

It was a dimly-lit retreat center that captured every stereotype of a nunnery that I could pinpoint.  I’ll admit it, I was pretty half-hearted about going.  Ok, I didn’t want to go.  It was a requirement for the seminary I had decided to attend.  It was my first year, and I supposed they wanted me to have some sort of religious experience that qualified me to be holy and smart enough to meddle in people’s lives as a Christian counselor.  I was doubtful that I would connect with these other seminarians, who wore turtlenecks with cross necklaces dangling from the collars.  You see, my history was messy and incomplete.  My heart was wounded, and I didn’t even know then to what degree.  It took every measure of faith that I had to even apply for seminary, much less believe that I would be accepted and allowed to tread on the holy ground of other people’s hearts.  Honestly, it felt like I was for sure faking it.  I mean, I knew Jesus and thought I had a thriving relationship with Him, but it was… average.  Certainly, it was nothing special, and for sure did not compare with these other saintly types next to me. 

What I could never have predicted was that within twenty minutes of my arrival, I had my first experience of what I would call real, true prayer.  Prayer is communion.  It is experiencing the person of God, the heart of who He is.  This moment re-defined my life forever.  Had I gone without this kind of prayer for the remainder of my life, it would be like eating peanut butter sandwiches every day and discovering jelly on my death bed.  I cannot tell you how much I would have missed if God had not approached me that day. 

Simply put, I am troubled by something that appears to be missing in the American church today.  I see a lot of pastors, authors, and speakers talking about God, writing about Him, and preaching Truth about Him and sometimes, even about His heart.  It is all good stuff.  Somehow though, we are largely left unchanged.  In small churches and megachurches alike, I have discovered that few to no Christians know how to experience God and are not on the sweaty, adventurous, and often dangerous ride of intimacy with Christ.  There is something raw and unkempt about someone who is truly on the authentic journey of serving Jesus.  If I had eyes into their soul, they would carry the laugh lines and crow’s feet of a heart that has been given fully to Christ.  These types inspire me with their willingness to wade through their own heart in the name of reckless abandon & obedience to Jesus. 

For some reason, God has impressed upon me to share my prayer visuals with you in an effort to convey his heart to yours.  I am totally unqualified, I’ll be honest.  My humanness is staggering.  I sometimes swear when I spill things.  I forget to call friends back.  I lose my patience with my kids.  I get short with my husband.  I want to workout and spend more time reading my Bible, and yet I find myself at rock-bottom watching The Bachelor while eating Cheetos.  Lord, what on earth do You want to say through me?!  I am not holy.  I am not deserving.  And, thankfully, I am not the star of this Story.

God is inviting you, perhaps even through this blog, to discover your own deep relationship with Him.  This invitation goes beyond the intimacy you have already experienced.  He has a custom way of relating to His people, and somehow through sharing His way of hanging out with me, He has a plan to show you more of who He is and what He thinks of you.  It is not about being in your head and gaining knowledge.  It is about a heart-to-heart meeting with Jesus.  I have come to accept that this is where everything amazing originates.  This is where the flame ignites before it spreads.  

So you’re probably wondering what really happened that day at the seminary retreat.  There was a woman who led us in a guided prayer time.  It was the first time I had heard the word “contemplative.”  I was extremely intrigued as she instructed us to close our eyes and allow God to speak to us.  I had never prayed this way before. 

When I closed my eyes, I immediately had a visual picture in my mind.  The woman’s voice faded into the background, and Jesus took center stage.  I have since learned that this is the special way that Jesus talks with me.  I get pictures, visuals, and images in my mind during prayer.  This time it was a simple picture.  Jesus was sitting in a white-washed rowboat in a body of water.  It was peaceful and calm.  The water was gently lapping onto the sides of the boat.  I was in the boat facing Him, and I could see His face.  It’s hard to describe the difference between how we might imagine something within our minds, and how in prayer I see through the eyes of my heart.  I didn’t necessarily see detailed features, for instance, but I received something of who He is.  It was here that I began to experience Him – His love, His tenderness towards me, His delight in me, how glad He was that I accepted His invitation to experience Him this way, even though I didn’t know what I was doing.  He impressed upon me that He was the one behind this seminary retreat, not some academic requirement.  He had arranged it all, so that we could have this divine moment together.  The purpose of our rendezvous was very clear: He invited me.  To sitting a little longer together.  To knowing Him more.  To experiencing His heart towards me.  It was the easiest invite to respond to.  I felt a wholehearted “yes” within my heart. 

These fleeting moments in His presence were so fulfilling and completed me somehow.  It wasn’t as if He even used words, but He communicated directly to my heart, and my heart recognized Him as so much more than the Savior I met when I received my salvation.  He was the very essence of my life, the answer to questions I didn’t even know I had, the focus of my life forever.  What I didn’t know then was that His invitation was a lifelong one.  We began a journey together in the boat that day, and over time I will detail for you Who I encountered.  In what probably constituted two to five minutes in human time, this simple experience of His heart compelled me to Him forever. 

 Alright, Mamas, you know what I'm going to say next. Go grab your rubber duckies and hop into your baths. Our hearts so desperately need it. I know I do. Oh, by the way, this is the step that leads to Shabby Mamas changing the world. And being fulfilled beyond measure. And Love becoming a headline. And also true happiness originates here. Oh, and victory in our daily lives. Kay. I'm done.  Just can't say enough about him.  More tomorrow....